I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize