okay pat passed out under dana's car
cat food counts as protein by the way
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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