had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize