Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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