I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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