I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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