girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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