Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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