how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
