I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
