with your own penis?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
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Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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