I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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