I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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