haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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