Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
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I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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