I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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