i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
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Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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