Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
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So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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