I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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