my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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