how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
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No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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