I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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