I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
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..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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