Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
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I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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