There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
