...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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