Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
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Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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