So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize