So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
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My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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