I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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