did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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