i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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