the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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