Where did you get a picture of my penis
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize