Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
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my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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