fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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