Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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