This house was built for laser tag.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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