Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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