I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize