my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
birth control should be required to get into college
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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