Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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