sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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