My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
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There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize