So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
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One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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