smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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