gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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