Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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