I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
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he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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