Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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